It’s 6 p.m. The three month old is screaming. I shush him quietly on one arm while I try to pour a loudly demanded sippy-cup of milk with the other. The floor is sticky from toddler droppings, and we’re eating leftovers for dinner again tonight. My mommy-patience is wearing thin, and I genuinely think that if I hear “Huh” one more time today, I’m going to lay down on the floor and throw a temper tantrum myself. Or cry. Yeah, crying sounds good. I feel like I haven’t crossed a single thing off my to-do list today. My relief person, AKA Daddy, is stuck at work, so it looks like I’ll be manning the bedtime routine by myself again tonight. I’m exhausted just thinking about baths and pajamas and prayers. Yes, even prayers. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I just want to quit.
Except, I can’t. I did quit. I quit my “job” for this- this is my job now. And I think to myself, “What have I done?”.
Do you ever sit still and wait expectantly to hear God’s voice? I did. And when I was getting ready to deliver my second son, I felt the Lord telling me it was time to quit my job. My well-paying, securely rooted job of almost 9 years. It was one of the biggest decisions I’ve ever made. And I’m somewhat ashamed to admit that I questioned His motives and His ability for provision numerous times over those months. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that His plans for me involved something more- that He had a message that He wanted to get to me, and then through me. You see, both of my children came to be a part of our family through incredible works of God. (That’s a story in itself, one that’s too intricate to tell here and now) And there was a stirring in my soul telling me that it wasn’t by chance. My new purpose, if you will, was to give Him glory- through my testimony & the raising of these children. But lately, on days like this, I feel like I’m failing miserably.
What if I heard Him wrong? What if quitting my job was rooted more in my own desires, and less in my “hearing” from my heavenly Father? What if I messed up? Self-doubt is a vicious thing. It will steal a Mama’s joy and rob her happiness until there’s nothing left.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord” –Isaiah 55:8
But here’s what’s so great about wholeheartedly being on God’s path friends. He does provide. When we doubt, He is certain. When we falter, He is steady. Even when you feel like He won’t come through….He will.
When my husband & I started talking about my staying home, we put the pen to paper- and the numbers just didn’t work. Although my husband has a great job, our whole lifestyle has always been based around two incomes. No matter how bare-bones we tried to cut it, we just needed more to make the ends meet.
Hello? God? Your path here…….and then He reminded me of His word.
“I was young, and now I am old…yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken, or their children begging bread” – Psalm 37:25
I claimed that over my life. I waited expectantly. Weeks passed. I felt like He had abandoned me, and “our” plan. I had all but given up on Him.
And there it was. Right smack-dab in the middle of my doubt- God’s provision. Enter a lovely Christian business owner with a need for part-time help. The hours worked. The pay was just what we needed. The childcare details fell into place. He provided.
And now, three short months later, I’m here hanging the streamers & blowing up the balloons for my pity party – and Satan is the host! So, if God provided – if this was truly HIS will – why do I feel like such a failure? Surely He would have equipped me to handle the mental meltdowns, if this was truly His perfect will! I knew it. I must have heard Him wrong- I must have been mistaken. This.Feels.Wrong.
But friends! It feels so wrong because it’s so, so right!
When Satan feels threatened…when he sees God’s perfect plan being put into motion…he attacks! He does whatever he deems necessary to stop it. And here I am, decorating for his party. Giving him my joy.
Mamas, do not let him hang those streamers. Do not let him steal your joy & win the battle in your heart. When the road gets bumpy, know that you’re on the right one.
Satan will never attack that by which he is not threatened.
When you wonder, “WHAT have I done?” – know that you’re almost to your breakthrough. You’re almost to that special place where God will meet you in your situation & get all His beautiful glory.
“So shall the knowledge of wisdom be to your soul; If you have found it, there is a reward, and your expectation will not be cut off!” –Proverbs 24:14
Take a deep breath, and wait expectantly for your reward!